Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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