There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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