In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize