I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
You made out with two different species that night
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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