I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
