I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
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