Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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