Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
