Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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