i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
