Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
