Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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