I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I want her autograph on my taint
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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