I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Randomize