i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
