Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
