Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
