It's like God shit irony all over that family
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
