Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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