goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
He passed out mid-signature
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
