Your face is a jimmy john
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
