I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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