The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
