I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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