I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
