Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
