it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
