Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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