This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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