I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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