OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
In America we eat man semen.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
