The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
