Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
a search helicopter?!
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
