He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
