May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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