my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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