I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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