Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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