What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
