what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
