It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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