and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
