are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Randomize
