If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
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