I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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