I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
