1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
