am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
