I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
