My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
