So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Randomize
