I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize