Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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