apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
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