five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
