everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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