I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
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