Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize