My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
the raccoons are back...
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