Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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