Betty ford says i'm here all night
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
