It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
True college students do jello shots in the library
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