who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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