I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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