I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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